Audrey, Not Fitting
Now, when people want to talk to me, their voices and faces blur, and I can’t keep up with the flow. The pressure from my grip reminds me that I have a body and that I am still here, but I still retreat into my mind—into science: pipettes, measurements, and straightforward procedures—since these things never surprise me and never require me to guess what they mean.
Though my mother says it’s my graduation party, it still doesn’t seem like it’s really mine. The way people laugh is confusing—sometimes I’m not sure whether I am meant to laugh too or if the joke is about me. When they laugh, I watch my mother’s face first, because hers tells me fastest whether it’s safe. A half-second delay, then I arrange my mouth to match. I have practiced this enough that I can usually get there before anyone notices the gap. It’s tiring to try to fit into a world that doesn’t match how I feel inside.
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I wonder just how many people feel they are trying to fit into a world that doesn’t match how they feel inside. It seems that has been true for me in much of my life. I am learning to accept how I feel inside and also accept the times I’m not sure how I feel. It is important to be liked by people but living our life so that they do seems an impossible task. Great post for me to ponder today. It has been cool, cloudy and feels like fall.
I believe most of us have experienced feelings of being out of place, different, or uncertain at various points in our lives. I can only imagine how someone with autism feels as they navigate the world. I hope I conveyed that sentiment somewhat with this Life Frame.
We’ve been getting a little rain here the last couple of days, and it was 57 degrees this morning. Hallelujah!